Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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