Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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