hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
