i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
