I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
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