I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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