I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
