Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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