there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
