Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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