Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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