You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
