My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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