the condom got lost in my hair
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
