i just wanna soil my oats bro
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
