I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
