Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
