Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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