new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
