it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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