and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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