i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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