He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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