I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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