Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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