I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
dude. I can hear the air.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
