i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
