im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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