Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
