I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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