I hate all girls vehemently.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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