I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
