I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
