then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
