Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
