Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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