Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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