Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
