the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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