question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
