meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
