just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
