i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
