I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
