Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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