for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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