I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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