last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
