just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
