I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
